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Now for today's jokes!!!!!!!! ______________________________________ A man was to be married and his friends threw him a stag party. As usual there was much drinking and merriment. As the evening wore on, the man was dancing nude and and hit his erect penis on the fireplace, knocking himself out. Concerned, his friends took him to the hospital. Following an examination, the emergency room physician told them that their friend's condition was stable, that he was bruised and sore, that the medical term for his injury was complicated but in layman terms, "He had broken his prick". They shouldn't worry though, because he had supported the injured part with 4 tongue depressors neatly bound with tape. The next day, the wedding was flawless and the bride was unaware of any problems. In their honeymoon suite, the bride was spread-eagled on the bed when her husband emerged from the bathroom and she said, "Come and get it , Honey, it's all yours. I'm untouched by any other, this is pure virgin wool". The groom smiled as he dropped his pajamas as he said to her, "Check this out, Babe, still in the crate". ______________________________________ A guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few things he began to queue up in this really long line for the checkout. After about 15 minutes in the line he reached the checkout girl and just at that moment he remembered that he needed some condoms. Not wanting to line up again he said to the girl "Oh I meant to buy some condoms but forgot" "Do you know what size you are ?" she asked. "No". "OK drop your pants and I'll tell you what size you are". The guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a feel with her hand and then says in the microphone "1 packet of large condoms to aisle 3 please", he pulls up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him and he pays his bill and goes on his way. Another male customer sees this and thinks he'd like to have this nice girl fondling his prick and so says the same thing to the girl. A similar course of events takes place, only this time after having a feel she says "One packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please", the condoms are then brought to him and he pays the bill and goes on his way. Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable 15 year old boy who then decides to queue up and try the same routine. "I'd like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot" he says. "Do you know what size you are?" "No." "OK, I'll check. Whoops, mop and bucket to aisle 3 please!" _______________________________________ A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work drink when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes off her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £100 on one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." He quickly pulled his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five £20 notes, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said... "Paint my house." ______________________________________ A man went into a chemists looking for condoms. Unfortunately he didn't know what size to get. The pharmacist asks him, 'Would you like to find what size you are, Sir?' The guy agrees and the pharmacist leads him into a room with a board. The board has many differently-sized holes in it. The pharmacist leaves, allowing the guy some privacy to match up his dick with the right hole. Three hours have gone by and the pharmacist wonders what is taking so long. So, he knocks on the door and sees if the guy is alright. The guy says, "Forget the condoms, I think I'll take the board." __________________________________________ Have a nice day!!!!!