I wouldn't say you're a moron; sometimes these things have problems.
Looks like you got past the first common problem with RL0xs: the
RL/RLV controller must be active for the drive to acquire timing
information.
But as Gordon posted, checking the lights is also important. I
needed to replace the bulbs in my drive as well. Found a company
here in Pasadena that has them for a reasonable cost, thanks to Tim
Shoppa.
But sadly, my drive once worked but not longer works also. I am not
in a position to spend some quality time with it yet.
John