The DosFish (object oriented GUIS)

[Jeffrey S. Worley]

This was circulating in 1995/6.  IBM had been shipping the very good
OS/2 for some years and Microsoft was trying to catch up.  Someone did
a very nice parody.

Jeff

*****The Legend of the Pea Sea*****
Long ago, in the days when all disks flopped in the breeze and the
writing of words was on a star, the Blue Giant dug for the people the
Pea Sea. But he needed a creature who could sail the waters, and would
need for support but few rams.
So the Gateskeeper, who was said to be both micro and soft, fashioned a
Dosfish, who was small and spry, and could swim the narrow sixteen-bit
channel. But the Dosfish was not bright, and could be taught few
tricks. His alphabet had no A's, B's, or Q's, but a mere 640 K's, and
the size of his file cabinet was limited by his own fat.
At first the people loved the Dosfish, for he was the only one who
could swim the Pea Sea. But the people soon grew tired of commanding
his line, and complained that he could neither be dragged nor dropped.
"Forsooth," they cried, "the Dosfish can only do one job at a time, and
of names he knows only eight and three." And many of them left the Pea
Sea for good, and went off in search of the Magic Apple.
Although many went, far more stayed, because admittance to the Pea Sea
was cheap. So the Gateskeeper studied the Magic Apple, and rested
awhile in the Parc of the XerOx, and he made a Window that could ride
on the Dosfish and do its thinking for it. But the Window was slow, and
it would break when the Dosfish got confused. So most people contented
themselves with the Dosfish.
Now it came to pass that the Blue Giant came upon the Gateskeeper, and
spoke thus: "Come, let us make of ourselves something greater than the
Dosfish." The Blue Giant seemed like a humbug, so they called the new
creature Oz II.
Now Oz II was smarter than the Dosfish, as most things are. It could
drag and drop, and could keep files without becoming fat. But the
people cared for it not. So the Blue Giant and the Gateskeeper promised
another Oz II, to be called Oz II Too, that could swim fast in the new,
32-bit wide Pea Sea.
Then lo, a strange miracle occurred. Although the Window that rode on
the Dosfish was slow, it was pretty, and the third Window was prettiest
of all. And the people began to like the third Window, and to use it.
So the Gateskeeper turned to the Blue Giant and said, "Fie on thee, for
I need thee not. Keep thy Oz II Too, and I shall make of my Window an
Entity that will not need the Dosfish, and will swim in the 32-bit Pea
Sea."
Years passed, and the workshops of the Gateskeeper and the Blue Giant
were many times overrun by insects. And the people went on using their
Dosfish with a Window; even though the Dosfish would from time to time
become confused and die, it could always be revived with three fingers.
Then there came a day when the Blue Giant let forth his Oz II Too onto
the world. The Oz II Too was indeed mighty, and awesome, and required a
great ram, and the world was changed not a whit. For the people said,
"It is indeed great, but we see little application for it." And they
were doubtful, because the Blue Giant had met with the Magic Apple, and
together they were fashioning a Taligent, and the Taligent was made of
objects, and was most pink.
Now the Gateskeeper had grown ambitious, and as he had been ambitious
before he grew, he was now more ambitious still. So he protected his
Window Entity with great security, and made its net work both in
serving and with peers. And the Entity would swim, not only in the Pea
Sea, but in the Oceans of Great Risk. "Yea," the Gateskeeper declared,
"though my entity will require a greater ram than Oz II Too, it will be
more powerful than a world of Eunuchs."
And so the Gateskeeper prepared to unleash his Entity to the world, in
all but two cities. For he promised that a greater Window, a greater
Entity, and even a greater Dosfish would appear one day in Chicago and
Cairo, and it too would be built of objects.
Now the Eunuchs who lived in the Oceans of Great Risk, and who scorned
the Pea Sea, began to look upon their world with fear. For the Pea Sea
had grown and great ships were sailing in it, the Entity was about to
invade their Oceans, and it was rumored that files would be named in
letters greater than eight. And the Eunuchs looked upon the Pea Sea,
and many of them thought to immigrate.
Within the Oceans of Great Risk were many Sun Worshippers, and they had
wanted to excel, and make their words perfect, and do their jobs as
easy as one-two-three. And what's more, many of them no longer wanted
to pay for the Risk. So the Sun Lord went to the Pea Sea, and got
himself eighty-sixed.
And taking the next step was He of the NextStep, who had given up
building his boxes of black. And he proclaimed loudly that he could
help anyone make wondrous soft wares, then admitted meekly that only
those who know him could use those wares, and he was made of objects,
and required the biggest ram of all.
And the people looked out upon the Pea Sea, and they were sore amazed.
And sore confused. And sore sore. And that is why, to this day, Ozes,
Entities, and Eunuchs battle on the shores of the Pea Sea, but the
people still travel on the simple Dosfish.